In an unprecedented move, the superhero team known as The Avengers and alien warlord Thanos are teaming up to remove April Fool’s Day from reality. In a rare public statement, Thanos, also known as the Mad Titan, said “I’ve committed genocide across countless worlds, but April Fool’s Day is an abomination even I cannot stand.” Pledging to return to his courtship of death and practicing his Josh Brolin impressions only once April Fool’s Day had been eradicated, Thanos then smiled mysteriously at the assembled journalists, leaving all but the nerdiest among the crowd deeply confused.
Captain America spoke at Avengers towers, confirming the team-up with Thanos and adding “I’ve fought a great many evils in my time – Hydra, Loki, Ultron, the lack of good female roles in superhero movies – but none compare to the abomination that is April Fool’s Day. It makes the Red Skull look like Hannah Montana.” When asked to clarify how a grown man with no children born in 1918 was familiar with Hannah Montana, Captain Rogers blushed and declined comment, before the press conference was disrupted by a seemingly intoxicated Tony Stark arriving in his Iron Man suit and performing a flawless rendition of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”
While the precise line-up of the Avengers set to take on April Fool’s Day was not announced, rumors suggest that heroes such as Black Panther, Captain Marvel, and members of the intergalactic criminal organization known as The Guardians of the Galaxy would be joining the cause, characters who were first expected to join the famous superhero team in their war against Thanos. Highly placed sources within the Avengers team were able to confirm that the crusade against April Fool’s Day would involve The Avengers seeking out the fabled Infinity Stones, with the goal of removing it from existence across all dimensions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one future Avengers member declared “I AM GROOT!,” a statement that is doubtless to spark fevered debate in the days to come.
In other news, what appeared to be a badly photoshopped and barely dressed Kevin Feige was spotted in Times Square. Before the terrible image composite was dragged away, witness claimed to have heard Cowyboy Feige screaming “MAY 1st! Everything changes on MAY 1st! Goddam it I hate this day!” Marvel could not be reached for comment, with sources claiming that the studio was in upheaval, having recently learned of Joss Whedon’s plans to kill all of audiences favourite characters and replace the existing MCU with a space-western series starring Cosmo the Dog and Howard the Duck.
Image Credit: Jose Varese